Toilet Trouble

And again with the long hiatus. Silent periods are usually a sign that things aren’t going great, or if you want to look at things positively, they could be a sign that things are going so well that I’ve just not had the time to put something together for all of the great things I’m doing. But no, it’s the first…it’s been shit, to put it bluntly.

The bladder has decided to take centre stage as of late. Instead of complaining about the usual body aches and pains, it has been replaced with out of key groaning noises and complaints of ‘I swear it’s trying to shred its self to pieces inside me’.  It’s painful, not going to downplay it. I dread every trip to the toilet from the excruciating act of passing urine, I’m worried about long trips for the sudden urge to pee on the spot, and I can’t really plan anything with my bladder having a tantrum of ‘if you don’t find somewhere to pee now, I’m going to pee anyway’ or ‘I’m gonna let a little bit out now while you’re reading just  for the laugh’ – thanks for that bladder, you’re a pall.

This is something I’ve been dealing with for as long as I can remember. Constantly being riddled with water infections and bladder problems has been a part of my life since I was a toddler, possibly a baby but my memory doesn’t really go into my infant years, I just play off of what my mother tells me. I’ve been from doctor to doctor, from specialist to specialist to try gain some form of answers.  I thought I’d got somewhere from the 3^rd surgical procedure to take biopsy of my bladder lining... I was then diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis (Painful Bladder Syndrome). This diagnosis came before the fibro in fact. Though recently, a trip to see another specialist has thrown that up in the air: ‘I don’t think it’s interstitial cystitis…’. Well thanks. Back to square one of waiting on yet another specialist appointment letter to try figure out something else.

I swear to goodness that in the health system, I feel like a hot potato. I’m constantly passed from one doctor to the next and seldom get any actual answers or relief. So far I’ve been on numerous uncomfortable treatment options for what specialists ‘think’ is wrong with my bladder, including having a catheter shoved up there every week for 10+ weeks to create a synthetic lining…which to no surprise, did not work. Doctors and the health care system can’t be blamed for my body’s lack of behaving, my health conditions don’t seem to be straight forward  and ‘the norm’ so I guess I can’t really expect treatment to be like that either. I’ve met some wonderful doctors/nurses/surgeons/health professionals in my time and I have to say I applaud you. It’s amazing the amount of time and effort they dedicate to people and I’m seriously grateful I have access to them. I need to remind myself that every time I get passed to someone else or every time a treatment fails, that it isn’t the fault of anyone – it’s just how it is sometimes.

Just Don't Be An Idiot.

Today I have read an article and watched a report on how the prescription painkiller Tramadol ‘claiming more lives than any other drug’. You can have a look at this yourself: http://www.itv.com/news/utv/update/2016-10-06/prescription-painkiller-claiming-more-lives-than-any-other-drug/. It’s no secret that I’ve been on this painkiller on and off for 3 years but for the past year have increased to every day or every other day to manage the pain that comes along with my health conditions.

First of I’d like to point out what tramadol does for me. Tramadol is a strong, opiate based drug, and it’s the only medication that I have taken to date that has had any effect on the amount of all over body pain I experience. Over the counter drugs such as paracetomol or ibuprofen don’t touch my pain in the slightest, I may as well have not taken any in the first place when it comes to them. I’ve tried psychical therapies, herbal remedies, physio… you name it, and nothing keeps my pain bearable on the day to day. The methods I have tried can help and have longer term benefits, but what am I supposed to do when all of my symptoms flare up ? What about when the weather changes effects my body and I have lectures or work to go to? Yes I can push through in agony, but when there’s a medication there that makes my day more bearable then I’m going to use it.

The drug (tramadol) is difficult to get hold of. Doctors are very hesitant to prescribe it, especially over a long period of time. I have had trouble getting my prescriptions due to doctors concerned about the addictive properties of tramadol and other health related risks that come along side taking it. I am assessed a couple times a year, so far, as to what my usage is like and whether or not it’s a viable option for me to keep receiving these prescriptions. I take my painkillers ‘as and when’. This means a month prescription can potentially last me 3 months. I understand the risks associated with the drug and frankly, I’m not too keen on the drowsy side effects so I literally ONLY take this medication when it’s absolutely necessary. The fact it’s difficult to get hold of a prescription is not great for me personally because I do rely on it for pain management but I also see why it is and should be difficult for the public to get their hands on. The drug is strong. It’s dangerous when misused and it’s highly addictive. It shouldn’t be taken lightly.

But going back to the article. It’s pissed me off. The kind of people the article are talking about have pissed me off. A lot of things have pissed me off. People are dying, fair enough. But they’re not dying because of tramadol, they are dying because of the misuse of a strong medication. On the video, the father clearly states ‘My son died from taking a cocktail of drugs that included tramadol’. A cocktail of drugs of any kind isn’t going to be great for you is it?! It was the mixture and amount of drugs that killed him, not the one prescription drug alone. Further on in the article, it states that people ‘take the drug by the handful around here’- again, misuse. Of course people are going to die if they take an overdose of a drug. Not to even mention taking drugs with other substances. Tramadol reacts with alcohol, tramadol reacts with other medications – why is that hard to grasp. If you don’t want something to go wrong when doing these kind of things, then don’t be an idiot. Why you would ever use prescription pain medication for a ‘high’ in the first is beyond me, especially with the shit side effects that come with it.

Pain management all over the world is difficult enough without trying to convince professional bodies that we should make it harder to obtain the drugs and methods of coping we sufferers need to live. Using scare tactics (that’s what I believe them to be) of news titles and articles about ‘pain relief kills more people’ is only going to make the people who rely on these medications suffer more. How about we look into the actual cause of the problem which is overdose and mixing drugs rather than pinpoint the one medication that a lot of people with chronic pain use as treatment. Tramadol its self is not the problem, yes it’s an incredibly strong prescription medication, but when taken correctly with the right monitoring, I don’t see the problem. Drug misuse of any kind is potentially lethal.

The Ugly Truth

Don't get me wrong, I care. I really do. One of my priorities is putting people before myself. I want people to be okay and I'm always a shoulder to cry on, a consolidating hug or an ear to lend for anyone who needs it. But the ugly truth of having the misfortune of suffering any chronic illness is that when you're not coping, you change. You become blunt, you become selfish.  I don't often, or at least try not to, let people know what I'm actually feeling or thinking in the overwhelming times, but if anyone knew I'd be incredibly ashamed.

I realise I planned on not ranting or complaining online but I truly believe this is currently my best outlet to try feel better about situations. I apologise for the amount of negativity in this post but this is the truth. The thing about being chronically ill is you fall into this pattern of acceptance and anger. Most days I accept that I'm ill, and that I will be for the foreseeable future.  If I flare up or have a lot of pain, it's whatever. It will pass, I'm still alive and there's worse than what I'm going through out there. But occasionally that outlook takes a complete U - turn.

Sometimes out of nowhere, you just can't take it anymore. One more flare up, one more pill, one more hospital visit, it's just too much. And suddenly you're hysterically crying alone in your room thinking 'why'. Why can't my body work properly? Why doesn't my head think in the right way? Why can't I be a normal bloody young person whos biggest issues in life revolve around the choices I need to make about careers, relationships and growing up rather than medications, burnout and flare ups.  But that's life, eh? You win some, you lose some. And that’s not fair.

 

I know people will tell me ‘life isn’t fair’, but why does that mean I can’t be angry about it? Because yes, I am angry. I’m angry and upset and all these other negative emotions over something I can’t control. All these ‘glass half full’ chaps out there, trying to be helpful with your comments of ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you’re not going to die’ or whatever other positives there is to having lifelong illnesses, make me instantly turn into the person I vowed never to be. People who downplay my pain or haven’t exactly got their head around to how much it effects daily life makes me think ‘I really wish that I could make you severely hurt all over, take away your ability to get out of bed for days at a time, take away your nights out and time with friends and replace it with isolated suffering. Then come back and tell me it could be worse’. I understand that there’s worse out there, I don’t need telling that. But just because there’s worse out there doesn’t take away the pain and upset that I’m going feeling right now. I’m ALLOWED to be upset, I’m ALLOWED to not be okay with it, and I’m ALLOWED to want people to understand and be there for me. So if people who have no clue could just experience this for a week, maybe it would make my world a little easier. Because right now, I’m fed up of faking that I’m okay just for the benefit of others who don’t know how to deal with me when I’m sick. But that’s incredibly selfish to even consider, and once I’m back in the right mind-set or this flare up finally subsides, I’ll absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about passing this onto someone else.

 

You can’t be strong 100% of the time, and when you fall into a place where you feel weak and vulnerable, its incredibly difficult to deal with. A flare up on its own is tough, without the added mental trauma of ‘giving up’ because that’s when you start to feel alone, and start having stupid thoughts and unreasonable ideas. I’m not going to lie, I have gotten to the point of being so low that my mind wonders to ‘What is the actual point of living if you have to be in pain every single day of your life’ because that’s the ugly truth of it. You need the support around you and the correct mind-set so you don’t fall into those thoughts regularly, because its shit. It’s shit you have to live with this so you need things in life that make it worthwhile.

 

Thankfully the way I’m thinking right now won’t last. I know this is only short-lived because of how unkind my body has been to me lately. When I start to feel better, I’ll be back on my feet properly – physically and mentally. I’ll go back to being at peace with this and no doubt the cycle of acceptance and anger will surely start again. The only thing I need right now is to feel loved and cared for and as though there’s a reason I’m plodding on through life while I feel lowest of the low. I need that little bit of support until I can get myself back to feeling like myself.  Because right now, I’m not okay, and that’s okay.

 

 

Sheep Have Failed Me

On an unrelated note, why is ‘sheeps’ not a word, yet the plural of sheep is sheep. English language is strange.


Onto the actual topic, sleep. I don’t think I’ve actually met a person that ‘counting sheep’ has worked for; it definitely hasn’t for me. A lot of illnesses come hand in hand with sleep issues and they often run in a vicious circle. For instance… less sleep = more pain and more pain = less sleep, so it just goes round and round.


First off, why can’t I sleep? For me it could be mental or physical problems. If I’m in a lot of pain, the chances of me being able to drift off are extremely minimal, I’m more likely to lay in bed making groaning noises to myself as I shift every 5 seconds trying to find the least painful position. There’s also the mental where as soon as I’ve got into bed, my head decides to overanalyse a three word sentence someone said to me six years ago – that and going through every aspect of my life in minute detail to create worries and issues that aren’t really issues at all.


My sleeping pattern includes laying there for a couple hours and not managing to reach the land of nod until the early hours of the morning, or falling asleep relatively quickly but waking up at 3am. Always 3am, I don’t know why my body clock enjoys 3am so much but I wish it would quit it and sleep through. If I wake up just the once, I’m lucky though to be fair. I can wake up multiple times in the night for no particular reason other than I can’t go through a proper REM cycle correctly. Basically, I cannot fall into a deep sleep with ease, therefor don’t get the regenerative benefits the body is supposed to receive while asleep – if I sleep at all.


I think the worst possible time to be awake is when you’re so tired, and you’re body is so done with the day, that the only thing you want to do is sleep…but your head won’t let you. You lay awake, absolutely exhausted yet sleep eludes you. Just me? At these points, you get desperate and start trying really odd things that could possibly help you get just a little bit of sleep. Counting sheep, weird hypnotising recordings, 100 year old breathing exercises… I tried watching boring documentaries to send me to sleep once, turns out I love documentaries. Failed.


So I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m going to be tired, borderline zombie, for the majority of the time I’m awake, but I have taken steps towards trying to make night time better. I’m not going to get a full night’s sleep, or any sleep, every night but the more nights I can manage will do me just fine. So I start with trying to get myself into a routine.


In an ideal world, I would have enough time in the day to have an hour long bath, then to slowly go through a wind down routine of moisturising and hair brushing, to then get into bed and have 30-60 minutes of ‘leisure time’ (reading or crap tv) to wind down the mind then lights off by 10 and boom, that’s a wrap. No, it doesn’t work like that. Partly because if I wanted to do that, I’d need to start at 6pm, and the majority of the time, I’m not even home by then. So the most important thing I find is to at least have a little wind down time, regardless of what time it is. Some time to yourself, doing something that isn’t going to be physically or mentally demanding. Make sure you’ve prepared yourself to switch off rather than expecting it just to happen. I also know that midnight means be in bed time. I try to be in bed for around 10, but latest 12 just to make sure that if I manage to sleep, I’m getting just about enough.


I cannot say it enough that it is so important that you invest in your bed. There’s no point in going for the cheap mattress and shit blinds that don’t block any light out at all. Sleep is the most important thing for us chronically ill folk. And let’s face it, we’re going to spend a lot of time in bed so it should be comfortable and not add to the discomfort you already have on the daily. The way you sleep is important too. This website describes the best kinds of sleeping positions and the benefits each have. Though honestly, I wouldn’t pay too much attention because I’m asleep…and I can’t really control my actions when I’m asleep (also a great excuse for when you dream your partner has annoyed you and you ‘accidently’ elbow them in the head…). I personally am a cuddler, I have to have my arm around something. I often have my pillow parallel to my body, slightly tucked under my chest for support so I’m not completely on my front but not completely on my side, with my arm tucked snugly around it. This is how I sleep best. I really do see the benefit in a body pillow for that reason.


Also, if you’re lucky enough to have a partner that is totally into spooning, that’s fantastic. When I experience a lot of pain in my back and down my legs, I personally find that I need some kind of support/pressure against the inflicted areas to reduce the pain. This is where having a ‘big spoon’ is great. You get the added bonus of it feeling quite loved up and affectionate, at the same time as having pressure against your hurty bits.


I have found that Smells are quite important. For myself, I often have sensory sensitivity, so smells in particular come across very strong. The wrong scent, usually something too floral or too sweet, can cause major migraines and destroy any chance of sleep, but the right subtle smell is a great way to relax the body. I like to light a scented candle or use oil melts up to an hour before bed so the room still smells nice but it isn’t too overbearing. I will also go for scents that are quite mellow like traditional vanilla and a personal favourite would be Black Coconut by Yankee Candles. I have tried the lavender pillow sprays from the likes of Avon and Tesco but the smell is way too sweet and applied to a pillow that is going to be pretty much on my face, it’s way too strong. I want to relax my brain, not overstimulate it with strong scents.

Honestly, when I started out with this post, I wanted to be able to include useful hints and tips on ways to get to sleep. Truth is, I’ve not figured that out yet myself.  My methods aren’t 100% full proof, sometimes they work, others I’m left lying awake in the dark. Plus everyone’s different, what works for some is not going to work for others. I’ve tried and tested so many things to sleep, but I can’t say some are crap and just don’t work at all, because they might work for some of you. I find guided meditation difficult to follow because I’m childish and words will make me giggle, whereas I know people who swear by it. So to finish off with, I hope you find what works for you. I wish a good nights rest on each and every person who will come across this post.

 

Tried and Tested

When you're suffering with pain, you begin to get creative with your coping mechanisms. I've tried many things over the years to help keep that little pain monster at bay. The go to's are usually prescriptions when you're first learning. For me it's tramadol. At the moment I take a 12 hour release dose which means I can just take one and be good to go for the day or the night.  I can take strong pain killers and function normally.  They no longer make me drowsy or knock me out.  I get minimal side effects now; though the itching that sometimes comes with taking tramadol can be a bitch.  Being able to tolerate strong pain killers is good in the fact I can have some form of relief and can function relatively normally. However I also find this quite frightening. Being able to tolerate them now means my body is building up a tolerance to the drug its self. I don't want to take the medication so often that they begin to be so ineffective that I have no more relief or I have to go down the rout of increasing the doses over and over; my body is screwed enough without adding stronger and stronger drugs to the mix. To help keep my painkiller taking to a minimum,  I only take them when the pain is too much to bear on its own. When the pain is at a more bearable state, I take other measures to try reduce the pain  just to be able to get through the day.

The first method I've talked about already: water. Water in its self has a lot of healing effects. From personal experience I'm in least pain when I'm submerged in water. Saying this, I am a huge fan of adding things to my water to make the whole experience that little bit more beneficial. You can read another post I wrote 'The Mermaid Life' that goes into a little bit more detail about the essential oils I add into my bath water, as well as other things such as the best way to run your bath for best effects and bath bombs and all that lovely business. Something I have tried since that post is epsom salts and magnesium flakes. The ones I tend to go for are the Dr. Organic range in Holland and Barrett.  Magnesium is beneficial for things like muscle aches, joint pain, and apparently improving circulation and sleep. Seen as magnesium is responsible for around 300 biochemical reactions in the body, absorbing magnesium through your skin in the bath just helps these processes along.  A quick piece of advice, though, if you are wanting to try using magnesium flakes / epsom salts is to stick with them. Please don't make your mind up on them after one or two uses as the benefits aren't all that noticeable from the get go.  I did not receive results from the products until I have had bathed in them 3 times a week for around 3 weeks. Like most things, it takes time to kick in.

I have a drawer overflowing with air activated heat pads. These are little pouches that adhere to your clothing and heat up as soon as you take them out of the packet. You can get products that last for 12+ hours and 24+ hours, though I have found that the 12 hour pads can often last me from the moment I get dressed in a morning to me getting back in bed on an evening. Most people will know the benefits of adding heat to an area that is aching for relief. The pads I'm talking about specifically, I have found in all pharmacies I've entered around the north of England, but even better, in Pound Land / Pound Word and Home Bargins. They are a great product that work and they’re not too harsh on the bank balance. These pads are great if you have pain in specific areas of the body as you can stick them anywhere and they wouldn't restrict movement if applied behind the knees ect as they are relatively flexible. A tip for back pain that I found quite useful is to pop a hot water bottle into a backpack/rucksack if you're going to be traveling or walking.

Heat in its self is great for those achy pains but when pain is caused or results in swelling around the areas effected, I have found it best to alternate heat and cold pressure to the area. For example, apply heat for two minutes, then cold for a further two minutes and repeat for as long as necessary. A good idea for something cool if you don't have any ice-packs around the house and don't really fancy something as cold as those frozen pees in the freezer is to fill a freezer bag/zip lock bag with water (preferably an airtight back), double bag (triple bag if you're a little worried) to prevent leaking and keep it in the fridge before use. Another alternative is to saturate a sponge with water, put this in an airtight bag and freeze overnight. The sponge then acts as an icepack, and the bag it’s in will collect the water as it melts.

Ibuprofen gels and anti-inflammatory gels are helpful for those joint aches. I tend to use gels mostly around my knees and fingers for relief. An issue I find with the gels, as good as they are, is that they leave a sticky residue on the skin even after they have soaked in. To combat this I often use talcum powder on top to just get rid of that sticky layer that's been created on the skin. It is a little messy so I tend to only do this on an evening or when I have time to spend getting ready; never in a rush! Using talc in a rush always ends up in a white hand print on your arse from pulling your pants up or something along those lines, very unfortunate. A gel I have found that doesn’t leave you so sticky, as long as you let it soak in completely before putting clothing on top, is Volterol Gel. This gel includes Diclofenac which ‘ is a medicine that works by reducing substances in the body that cause pain and inflammation.’ It’s not recommended to use this gel if you already take diclofenac orally, or at least ask your doctor first and be aware of how often you are using it.

Supporting your body in any way will help with the aches and pain, big time. What you sleep on is extremely important. To say you spend at least a third of your life in bed (well I could quite easily), its best invest in something that is going to support you correctly and allow for better sleep – as well all should know, the more decent sleep we get, the better. Along with that, make sure if you’re in an office on the day to day, have the correct chair and desk set up so your back and legs and correctly supported for as much of the day as possible.

My final point is not a product or tip really, just a bit of friendly advice. I find that my pain is much worse after I’ve been immobile for a period of time, so this would be first thing in a morning or if I’m sitting in meetings or on the computer etc. try to keep mobile and active as much as you feel comfortable with. It’s a difficult one to keep up with as ‘what makes us better? Exercise. What makes us worse? Exercise’. It’s a difficult balance to reach but simple stretches first thing in the morning and throughout the day. I’m also a megger fidget. I tend not to sit in the same position for more than ten minutes if I can help it so that my muscles and joints have less chance to cease up or start to become painful.

Just a note that these methods that I use to try keep my pain to a minimum are what I do on the day to day. If I am experiencing a ‘flare up’ where everything intensifies then I do revert back to the medications. As always, if you would like to try anything, please do so with caution. Especially when using products, please make sure you’re not allergic to any of the ingredients, and if needs be, please check with your doctor first to make sure nothing interacts with the medication you are currently on. Hope anyone reading this is experiencing a low pain day!

 

 

 

People Are Weird

People are...interesting. I was going to say weird, or odd, but I think interesting is more appropriate. I've never quite got my mind around to the fact that other people have thoughts and fears and sensations of their own. Now that sounds weird for me to say. But the amount of thoughts and feelings and ideas and experiences I have in just one day, other people have their own too. The interesting bit, no one will ever truly know EXACTLY how another person feels or thinks about something, simply because you're not them. Taking that into consideration, relationships we make are even more...interesting. You're making a conscious (mostly) decision on what parts of you to give to someone else. You'll give more or less information about what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours depending on who these people are - friend/partner/family; how much trust you have in them; often what they are willing to give to you in return. I guess I look at relationships from a few different perspectives.

I'll start with the general. Trust I guess would be the main topic. Personally, I find it hard to trust people. I'm absolutely terrified of losing people or being hurt by them - I think if someone asked what my biggest fear was, it could be that. It's a huge decision and a massive act to put your trust in someone. You're trusting them to do right by you. To be close to someone, you have to let your guard down and basically say 'here, take this knife...here's a clear path to my chest. I'm confident you won't run me through with it. Cheers'. Sometimes you trust the wrong people and they do hurt you. That's life I guess. But that's what the walls are built up of, the bad experiences. I'm scared of people leaving because that's what I've experienced. I'm scared of people doing wrong by me...because of experience. So to truly trust someone, that's a big and scary as shit thing to do. Also, it's the most rewarding. It's hard and takes time but once you start letting people, or just that one person get a little closer to you, it's great. The crap you're dealing with seems a bit lighter now you can actually tell someone about it. Plus when it's a two way thing, even better. People opening up to me is my favourite thing, 'you trust me enough to let me in on this'...and that's brilliant. I pride myself in the trust people may have in me.
From a chronically ill perspective, having more personal relationships is bloody difficult. It's hard to tell which approach to take when letting people know you're not exactly in the best of shape. Lay it all on the table or just get on with things and hope they don't really notice. I've tried both and I have to say both didn't really work out too well. Laying it all out on the table can sometimes be rather daunting for someone when you have a 6 foot list of issues "I can go chronologically, alphabetically or by most amusing name". Trying to keep up with people and just hope you don't feel too bad always end up in tears. You end up in more pain and have more complications, or the people around you think you're being 'off' or 'not yourself' or '' if you're having a bad day or if you cancel plans more frequently.

Truth is, it's terrifying starting a new relationship and having to tell them at some point that you can't do the things they want you to do. Or at least, you might one day but others you're going to be so off your face on painkillers that you won't be able to string a sentence together. What I mentioned in the intro about not knowing how exactly someone thinks is the hardest part because you don't know how they're going to take it. It's difficult being with me, I know that. I'm up and down, mentally and physically, so often that I can imagine it's hard to tell whether you're coming or going with me. It's difficult to plan things too. It's awesome when someone says 'there's this amazing gig coming up, we should go'. It sounds great but what my mind clicks to is:

'what if I flare up? What if I can't walk? I can't stand for long periods of time, will there be seating? What if I can't sleep the night before? If I flare up before I'll have to cancel and I'll be a let down. If I flare up during I'm going to leave, would I be able to leave? I could pass out...I don't know where I've put my medical card just in case'.

It's a long list and sounds over dramatic but seriously...That's how it is. I'm so anxious and often don't go through with things because I'm so scared my body won't behave. I've made the mistake of thinking I can do more than I'm capable of before and the result was not something I'd like to go through every time I ignore the warning signs. I've had relationships ruined, both romantic and platonic, for not being able to keep up. And it's a big insecurity of mine. For things to work, I need people to be understanding and be able to take it at my pace, and selfishly not the other way around. If I made plans to doing something active but at the last minute feel dreadful, I need people that won't get overly frustrated with me and be flexible and willing to change plans at short notice if needs be. I hate being a let down but sometimes, it's just unavoidable. Finding the people that will come to terms with the fact that I'm not always going to be 100% makes relationships so much easier.

From a mental perspective, different people need different things in a relationship to feel wanted or comfortable, happy even. For instance when someone is going through a rough day: some people want to be alone, some people want to be around people, some people want to be comforted, others want to just shut off for a bit. It's hard when the wants or needs of two people clash at the same time. One wants to be reassured with face to face contact and the other wants to lock the door and be alone. Tough one, but something easily worked through. Generally, people aren't that straight forward either. I'm not, so I'm assuming I'm not alone. What may work to cheer me up or calm me down one time may not be what will the next. Sometimes I am that needy girl who needs a cuddle and to be told I'm pretty, others I just want a conversation and then on other occasions I don't want contact with anyone at all. It's hard when you don't know yourself what you need, and I need to try hard to remember that if I don't know what I want, how the bloody hell is someone else supposed to know. When I'm quite emotional, it's easy for me to get angry and snappy when needs aren't met, but people around me aren't mind readers. I've probably said this before but communication is so much more important than I could have imagined. There's that and the way people learn how you work over time. People have little give aways, I 'play' with my hands A LOT when I'm uncomfortable and/or am panicking, to the point I could break a finger if I wasn't careful (I wasn't really a wear of it until it was pointed out to me). The closer you get to people, the easier it is to know what to do, or at least to know when something isn't quite right. It's just the journey you have to go through to get to that point.
So in summary: people are weird, relationships are weird, I’m possibly weird. And things take time.  

Guess Who's Back

Guess who’s back, back again…I don’t have a cool name to fit the rest of the lyrics to that so…it’s me. Clearly. Yet again I’ve neglected writing for a long time for similar reasons as in my last post. I just lose motivation half way through something and don’t bother doing things that are useful to myself. When will I learn? Never, probably. I get back to things eventually. The amount of half-finished projects I have on the go can keep me occupied for a life time – at least if a zombie apocalypse happens, I have stuff to get on with while I’m hiding out.

As an overall update, everything is the same as before but completely different at the same time. It’s strange how every day pretty much feels the same but in the grand scheme, every aspect of life has shifted completely around you. My mind-set about life has sort of changed. I shift from not really giving a crap about potential disasters to just ‘see how it goes’ because ‘everything obviously works out alright in the end’ whilst simultaneously rocking in a chair like a mad man because everything’s going to shit and I’m worried about everything I need to do to succeed at whatever it may be. It’s a total joy ride (as this is just writing, I feel obliged to inform you that this is total sarcasm). Anxiety of wanting to do something but not having the motivation to do anything about it is somewhat overwhelming these past few months. Luckily enough, right now I’m in the ‘ah, how bad can it be, it’ll be fine’ kind of mood, so there’s that.

I’ve also been on the self-destructive when it comes to relationships. I think that’s just with how all over the place my head has been since I last posted. When things go great, my head instantly tells me I should screw things up. Why? Again, I’m an arse – must be. When things are calm and content, I like to throw in a pointless argument, feelings of abandonment and a side of self-loathing just for the fun of it. And I reiterate that I do this for, usually, no reason what so ever. It could be something as miner as someone handing me the wrong flavour of crisps and I’ll burst into ‘YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE’ mode. The emotional roller-coaster of BPD is definitely an exhilarating one.

So overall, my head hasn’t been great. It’s had its good moments but with how Uppy-Downy it’s been, it’s hard to tell if I’m coming or going. Pain wise, that’s iffy at the best of times too. I’m taking strong painkillers more frequently, mainly of an evening. I think I’ve only had 2 major flare ups in the past 6 months where I’ve not been able to get out of bed, which is brilliant (not that they happened but that they’re becoming less frequent). Though the general day to day pain has been pretty shit, not going to lie. I just feel like I’ve got 50lb weights attached to each limb at all times, and my joints cracking sounds like firecrackers at the most inappropriate of times too. Go to shake someone’s hand in a meeting and the elbow instantly lets of the loudest *CRACK!*so you just have a guy in a suit staring horrified at you as though his iron grip must have somehow broken your arm – I just like to make a first impression, that’s all.

All in all, I’m trying to hold it together. The usual difficult moments are crap but I’m getting through them. I’m treasuring the good times and replay them in my head like a little homemade movie while I can’t sleep on a night to keep my spirits up (did I mention the not sleeping, that’s a thing). It’s been a while since I just full on complained and moaned throughout a whole post so I do apologise for the negativity in here, but the venting has really made me feel that little bit better. Who knows, I might actually get back into writing and posting more (hopefully more useful and insightful things than this!). 

My Metal Debut

So I've been on a little hiatus. My last post was about four months ago so it may have been more than just a 'little break'. The honest truth is I haven't been in the best place the past couple of months. I lost motivation to do anything that I needed to do, and in cases of this blog, things I also wanted to do. Things slipped where deadlines and experiences began to feel a bit too much. This being said, I’m happy to say that I'm back on top of everything and starting to feel more like me again.

On this blog, I have often focused more on the physical: I talk about pain and aches and the ways I've learnt to cope with that aspect of life. I've rarely breached the subject of mental health. I think this is for a few reasons; as much as I'd hate to admit it, the stigma around mental health often sensors me. I worry about how people would perceive the conditions I'm talking about and selfishly, how people would perceive me. I worry about being labeled with 'mental' 'crazy' 'unreliable', the list goes on. But what I've realized is a lot of other people, if not most, have these thoughts and that just adds to the stigma. It stops us talking about mental health like it’s a legitimate illness that can happen to anyone at any time. It stops us asking for help when we really need it. It stops us seeing doctors and receiving professional help and it stops us getting better. The brain gets sick just as any other part of the body can. And that’s okay. And that is why I now feel more comfortable talking about my experiences.

I'd say my fibro is more straight forward, as are my other physical conditions. Helping them is easier - yes, treatment takes a lot of trial and error and you have to go through a whole range of things to ease symptoms; though once you find them they're pretty full proof. When I’m in pain I take painkillers, take a bath and/or rest and take it easy. That more often than not does the trick. When my head plays up, that’s when I find it difficult. When your head isn’t in the right place, it makes everything else you're going through that more difficult; everything is amplified. I can't just think happy thoughts and feel better. I can't just sleep with the guarantee of feeling better when I wake. I have not found full proof ways that will drag me out of a mental blip. I have to ride it out and hope to god it passes quickly and doesn’t get worse. I think my mental illnesses are my most debilitating. Yes my physical pain can stop me from walking, but my head can stop me from wanting to live.

My mental health is often what makes me feel weakest. I can be fine for a number of days, weeks or even months and then BOOM. It feels like someone has shut out all the lights and is slowly stripping away parts of you. I feel 'raw'. Every emotion I feel is amplified tenfold to where they become almost unbearable. I lose my ability to think straight and make reasonable decisions. Most, If not all of my thoughts are twisted into something negative which can cause me to become paranoid, anxious, self conscious and often suicidal. This is why it’s so difficult to help yourself feel better. Your living in a body that wants to live controlled by a brain that, at that moment, wants to die. The last thing I am able to do is think logically about my emotions and my situation to gain control

With everything I have just said, It Is still possible to gain that control over your emotions. It takes a long time, a lot of effort and in basic terms is reprogramming your brain and thought processes to think and cope differently. I have undergone years of counseling and tried numerous medications from being an early teen in school up until adolescence, and It is still ongoing. Like everything else, the support and strategies used to feel better are trial and error. I have experienced a number of different talking therapies including generalized, cognitive behavioral therapy and as of late, dialectical behavioral therapy. I honestly find these the most effective form of treatment for my specific needs as they help develop good habits, understand your emotions and develop effective coping strategies. I'm far from mastering any of the strategies I’m currently working on with my therapist but I’m a long way from where I was. Medications I find I have less to say. I have been on a number throughout my life, my first antidepressant being when I was at the tender age of 13. Medications have never really worked for me, though recent developments may have solved why. As it has recently come to light that what I am in fact suffering from is not clinical depression as first thought. I was labeled with depression and anxiety from the age of 13 up until I had turned 20 and saw an extremely qualified and impressive psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have since then learnt that antidepressants are not recommended for Borderline Personality as they show little improvement in many patients, but rather the most effective form of treatment is the specialized talking therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which I mentioned earlier.

I would like to do a spate post about Borderline Personality from personal experience. Though as this is a diagnosis I've had for only half a year, I’m still learning. I’m learning the traits I have, what my patterns are and a whole range of things. Since being diagnosed with this, it’s put me more at ease. I have an answer for why I am the way I am. Everything started to slot into place and started making sense. Now I know what’s going on In my head I feel like I’m In a far better position to begin helping myself, understanding myself and more importantly, accepting myself.

If you take anything from this post it would be to not sit in silence. If you feel like something is not right, please speak up. Talk to someone, be that a close friend or family member, someone you trust or a doctor. You’re not crazy or abnormal or a lost cause. You're most definitely not weak for going through mental Illness, nor are you weak for asking for help. It is important to take care of yourself in any form and I urge anyone to talk about their mental health, remove the stigma you may feel and get the help you bloody well deserve. You deserve to be happy and to feel happy.

As always, feel free to get in contact with me if you have any questions, would like to share your experiences or if you relate to anything I’m talking about and just fancy a natter. Below are a few websites that may help you if you are experiencing anything I mentioned above:

Mind (Mental Health Charity)
SANE (Mental Health Charity)
Samaritans (Mental Health Charity)