Guess Who's Back

Guess who’s back, back again…I don’t have a cool name to fit the rest of the lyrics to that so…it’s me. Clearly. Yet again I’ve neglected writing for a long time for similar reasons as in my last post. I just lose motivation half way through something and don’t bother doing things that are useful to myself. When will I learn? Never, probably. I get back to things eventually. The amount of half-finished projects I have on the go can keep me occupied for a life time – at least if a zombie apocalypse happens, I have stuff to get on with while I’m hiding out.

As an overall update, everything is the same as before but completely different at the same time. It’s strange how every day pretty much feels the same but in the grand scheme, every aspect of life has shifted completely around you. My mind-set about life has sort of changed. I shift from not really giving a crap about potential disasters to just ‘see how it goes’ because ‘everything obviously works out alright in the end’ whilst simultaneously rocking in a chair like a mad man because everything’s going to shit and I’m worried about everything I need to do to succeed at whatever it may be. It’s a total joy ride (as this is just writing, I feel obliged to inform you that this is total sarcasm). Anxiety of wanting to do something but not having the motivation to do anything about it is somewhat overwhelming these past few months. Luckily enough, right now I’m in the ‘ah, how bad can it be, it’ll be fine’ kind of mood, so there’s that.

I’ve also been on the self-destructive when it comes to relationships. I think that’s just with how all over the place my head has been since I last posted. When things go great, my head instantly tells me I should screw things up. Why? Again, I’m an arse – must be. When things are calm and content, I like to throw in a pointless argument, feelings of abandonment and a side of self-loathing just for the fun of it. And I reiterate that I do this for, usually, no reason what so ever. It could be something as miner as someone handing me the wrong flavour of crisps and I’ll burst into ‘YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE’ mode. The emotional roller-coaster of BPD is definitely an exhilarating one.

So overall, my head hasn’t been great. It’s had its good moments but with how Uppy-Downy it’s been, it’s hard to tell if I’m coming or going. Pain wise, that’s iffy at the best of times too. I’m taking strong painkillers more frequently, mainly of an evening. I think I’ve only had 2 major flare ups in the past 6 months where I’ve not been able to get out of bed, which is brilliant (not that they happened but that they’re becoming less frequent). Though the general day to day pain has been pretty shit, not going to lie. I just feel like I’ve got 50lb weights attached to each limb at all times, and my joints cracking sounds like firecrackers at the most inappropriate of times too. Go to shake someone’s hand in a meeting and the elbow instantly lets of the loudest *CRACK!*so you just have a guy in a suit staring horrified at you as though his iron grip must have somehow broken your arm – I just like to make a first impression, that’s all.

All in all, I’m trying to hold it together. The usual difficult moments are crap but I’m getting through them. I’m treasuring the good times and replay them in my head like a little homemade movie while I can’t sleep on a night to keep my spirits up (did I mention the not sleeping, that’s a thing). It’s been a while since I just full on complained and moaned throughout a whole post so I do apologise for the negativity in here, but the venting has really made me feel that little bit better. Who knows, I might actually get back into writing and posting more (hopefully more useful and insightful things than this!).