My Metal Debut

So I've been on a little hiatus. My last post was about four months ago so it may have been more than just a 'little break'. The honest truth is I haven't been in the best place the past couple of months. I lost motivation to do anything that I needed to do, and in cases of this blog, things I also wanted to do. Things slipped where deadlines and experiences began to feel a bit too much. This being said, I’m happy to say that I'm back on top of everything and starting to feel more like me again.

On this blog, I have often focused more on the physical: I talk about pain and aches and the ways I've learnt to cope with that aspect of life. I've rarely breached the subject of mental health. I think this is for a few reasons; as much as I'd hate to admit it, the stigma around mental health often sensors me. I worry about how people would perceive the conditions I'm talking about and selfishly, how people would perceive me. I worry about being labeled with 'mental' 'crazy' 'unreliable', the list goes on. But what I've realized is a lot of other people, if not most, have these thoughts and that just adds to the stigma. It stops us talking about mental health like it’s a legitimate illness that can happen to anyone at any time. It stops us asking for help when we really need it. It stops us seeing doctors and receiving professional help and it stops us getting better. The brain gets sick just as any other part of the body can. And that’s okay. And that is why I now feel more comfortable talking about my experiences.

I'd say my fibro is more straight forward, as are my other physical conditions. Helping them is easier - yes, treatment takes a lot of trial and error and you have to go through a whole range of things to ease symptoms; though once you find them they're pretty full proof. When I’m in pain I take painkillers, take a bath and/or rest and take it easy. That more often than not does the trick. When my head plays up, that’s when I find it difficult. When your head isn’t in the right place, it makes everything else you're going through that more difficult; everything is amplified. I can't just think happy thoughts and feel better. I can't just sleep with the guarantee of feeling better when I wake. I have not found full proof ways that will drag me out of a mental blip. I have to ride it out and hope to god it passes quickly and doesn’t get worse. I think my mental illnesses are my most debilitating. Yes my physical pain can stop me from walking, but my head can stop me from wanting to live.

My mental health is often what makes me feel weakest. I can be fine for a number of days, weeks or even months and then BOOM. It feels like someone has shut out all the lights and is slowly stripping away parts of you. I feel 'raw'. Every emotion I feel is amplified tenfold to where they become almost unbearable. I lose my ability to think straight and make reasonable decisions. Most, If not all of my thoughts are twisted into something negative which can cause me to become paranoid, anxious, self conscious and often suicidal. This is why it’s so difficult to help yourself feel better. Your living in a body that wants to live controlled by a brain that, at that moment, wants to die. The last thing I am able to do is think logically about my emotions and my situation to gain control

With everything I have just said, It Is still possible to gain that control over your emotions. It takes a long time, a lot of effort and in basic terms is reprogramming your brain and thought processes to think and cope differently. I have undergone years of counseling and tried numerous medications from being an early teen in school up until adolescence, and It is still ongoing. Like everything else, the support and strategies used to feel better are trial and error. I have experienced a number of different talking therapies including generalized, cognitive behavioral therapy and as of late, dialectical behavioral therapy. I honestly find these the most effective form of treatment for my specific needs as they help develop good habits, understand your emotions and develop effective coping strategies. I'm far from mastering any of the strategies I’m currently working on with my therapist but I’m a long way from where I was. Medications I find I have less to say. I have been on a number throughout my life, my first antidepressant being when I was at the tender age of 13. Medications have never really worked for me, though recent developments may have solved why. As it has recently come to light that what I am in fact suffering from is not clinical depression as first thought. I was labeled with depression and anxiety from the age of 13 up until I had turned 20 and saw an extremely qualified and impressive psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have since then learnt that antidepressants are not recommended for Borderline Personality as they show little improvement in many patients, but rather the most effective form of treatment is the specialized talking therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which I mentioned earlier.

I would like to do a spate post about Borderline Personality from personal experience. Though as this is a diagnosis I've had for only half a year, I’m still learning. I’m learning the traits I have, what my patterns are and a whole range of things. Since being diagnosed with this, it’s put me more at ease. I have an answer for why I am the way I am. Everything started to slot into place and started making sense. Now I know what’s going on In my head I feel like I’m In a far better position to begin helping myself, understanding myself and more importantly, accepting myself.

If you take anything from this post it would be to not sit in silence. If you feel like something is not right, please speak up. Talk to someone, be that a close friend or family member, someone you trust or a doctor. You’re not crazy or abnormal or a lost cause. You're most definitely not weak for going through mental Illness, nor are you weak for asking for help. It is important to take care of yourself in any form and I urge anyone to talk about their mental health, remove the stigma you may feel and get the help you bloody well deserve. You deserve to be happy and to feel happy.

As always, feel free to get in contact with me if you have any questions, would like to share your experiences or if you relate to anything I’m talking about and just fancy a natter. Below are a few websites that may help you if you are experiencing anything I mentioned above:

Mind (Mental Health Charity)
SANE (Mental Health Charity)
Samaritans (Mental Health Charity)