People Are Weird

People are...interesting. I was going to say weird, or odd, but I think interesting is more appropriate. I've never quite got my mind around to the fact that other people have thoughts and fears and sensations of their own. Now that sounds weird for me to say. But the amount of thoughts and feelings and ideas and experiences I have in just one day, other people have their own too. The interesting bit, no one will ever truly know EXACTLY how another person feels or thinks about something, simply because you're not them. Taking that into consideration, relationships we make are even more...interesting. You're making a conscious (mostly) decision on what parts of you to give to someone else. You'll give more or less information about what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours depending on who these people are - friend/partner/family; how much trust you have in them; often what they are willing to give to you in return. I guess I look at relationships from a few different perspectives.

I'll start with the general. Trust I guess would be the main topic. Personally, I find it hard to trust people. I'm absolutely terrified of losing people or being hurt by them - I think if someone asked what my biggest fear was, it could be that. It's a huge decision and a massive act to put your trust in someone. You're trusting them to do right by you. To be close to someone, you have to let your guard down and basically say 'here, take this knife...here's a clear path to my chest. I'm confident you won't run me through with it. Cheers'. Sometimes you trust the wrong people and they do hurt you. That's life I guess. But that's what the walls are built up of, the bad experiences. I'm scared of people leaving because that's what I've experienced. I'm scared of people doing wrong by me...because of experience. So to truly trust someone, that's a big and scary as shit thing to do. Also, it's the most rewarding. It's hard and takes time but once you start letting people, or just that one person get a little closer to you, it's great. The crap you're dealing with seems a bit lighter now you can actually tell someone about it. Plus when it's a two way thing, even better. People opening up to me is my favourite thing, 'you trust me enough to let me in on this'...and that's brilliant. I pride myself in the trust people may have in me.
From a chronically ill perspective, having more personal relationships is bloody difficult. It's hard to tell which approach to take when letting people know you're not exactly in the best of shape. Lay it all on the table or just get on with things and hope they don't really notice. I've tried both and I have to say both didn't really work out too well. Laying it all out on the table can sometimes be rather daunting for someone when you have a 6 foot list of issues "I can go chronologically, alphabetically or by most amusing name". Trying to keep up with people and just hope you don't feel too bad always end up in tears. You end up in more pain and have more complications, or the people around you think you're being 'off' or 'not yourself' or '' if you're having a bad day or if you cancel plans more frequently.

Truth is, it's terrifying starting a new relationship and having to tell them at some point that you can't do the things they want you to do. Or at least, you might one day but others you're going to be so off your face on painkillers that you won't be able to string a sentence together. What I mentioned in the intro about not knowing how exactly someone thinks is the hardest part because you don't know how they're going to take it. It's difficult being with me, I know that. I'm up and down, mentally and physically, so often that I can imagine it's hard to tell whether you're coming or going with me. It's difficult to plan things too. It's awesome when someone says 'there's this amazing gig coming up, we should go'. It sounds great but what my mind clicks to is:

'what if I flare up? What if I can't walk? I can't stand for long periods of time, will there be seating? What if I can't sleep the night before? If I flare up before I'll have to cancel and I'll be a let down. If I flare up during I'm going to leave, would I be able to leave? I could pass out...I don't know where I've put my medical card just in case'.

It's a long list and sounds over dramatic but seriously...That's how it is. I'm so anxious and often don't go through with things because I'm so scared my body won't behave. I've made the mistake of thinking I can do more than I'm capable of before and the result was not something I'd like to go through every time I ignore the warning signs. I've had relationships ruined, both romantic and platonic, for not being able to keep up. And it's a big insecurity of mine. For things to work, I need people to be understanding and be able to take it at my pace, and selfishly not the other way around. If I made plans to doing something active but at the last minute feel dreadful, I need people that won't get overly frustrated with me and be flexible and willing to change plans at short notice if needs be. I hate being a let down but sometimes, it's just unavoidable. Finding the people that will come to terms with the fact that I'm not always going to be 100% makes relationships so much easier.

From a mental perspective, different people need different things in a relationship to feel wanted or comfortable, happy even. For instance when someone is going through a rough day: some people want to be alone, some people want to be around people, some people want to be comforted, others want to just shut off for a bit. It's hard when the wants or needs of two people clash at the same time. One wants to be reassured with face to face contact and the other wants to lock the door and be alone. Tough one, but something easily worked through. Generally, people aren't that straight forward either. I'm not, so I'm assuming I'm not alone. What may work to cheer me up or calm me down one time may not be what will the next. Sometimes I am that needy girl who needs a cuddle and to be told I'm pretty, others I just want a conversation and then on other occasions I don't want contact with anyone at all. It's hard when you don't know yourself what you need, and I need to try hard to remember that if I don't know what I want, how the bloody hell is someone else supposed to know. When I'm quite emotional, it's easy for me to get angry and snappy when needs aren't met, but people around me aren't mind readers. I've probably said this before but communication is so much more important than I could have imagined. There's that and the way people learn how you work over time. People have little give aways, I 'play' with my hands A LOT when I'm uncomfortable and/or am panicking, to the point I could break a finger if I wasn't careful (I wasn't really a wear of it until it was pointed out to me). The closer you get to people, the easier it is to know what to do, or at least to know when something isn't quite right. It's just the journey you have to go through to get to that point.
So in summary: people are weird, relationships are weird, I’m possibly weird. And things take time.  

Guess Who's Back

Guess who’s back, back again…I don’t have a cool name to fit the rest of the lyrics to that so…it’s me. Clearly. Yet again I’ve neglected writing for a long time for similar reasons as in my last post. I just lose motivation half way through something and don’t bother doing things that are useful to myself. When will I learn? Never, probably. I get back to things eventually. The amount of half-finished projects I have on the go can keep me occupied for a life time – at least if a zombie apocalypse happens, I have stuff to get on with while I’m hiding out.

As an overall update, everything is the same as before but completely different at the same time. It’s strange how every day pretty much feels the same but in the grand scheme, every aspect of life has shifted completely around you. My mind-set about life has sort of changed. I shift from not really giving a crap about potential disasters to just ‘see how it goes’ because ‘everything obviously works out alright in the end’ whilst simultaneously rocking in a chair like a mad man because everything’s going to shit and I’m worried about everything I need to do to succeed at whatever it may be. It’s a total joy ride (as this is just writing, I feel obliged to inform you that this is total sarcasm). Anxiety of wanting to do something but not having the motivation to do anything about it is somewhat overwhelming these past few months. Luckily enough, right now I’m in the ‘ah, how bad can it be, it’ll be fine’ kind of mood, so there’s that.

I’ve also been on the self-destructive when it comes to relationships. I think that’s just with how all over the place my head has been since I last posted. When things go great, my head instantly tells me I should screw things up. Why? Again, I’m an arse – must be. When things are calm and content, I like to throw in a pointless argument, feelings of abandonment and a side of self-loathing just for the fun of it. And I reiterate that I do this for, usually, no reason what so ever. It could be something as miner as someone handing me the wrong flavour of crisps and I’ll burst into ‘YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE’ mode. The emotional roller-coaster of BPD is definitely an exhilarating one.

So overall, my head hasn’t been great. It’s had its good moments but with how Uppy-Downy it’s been, it’s hard to tell if I’m coming or going. Pain wise, that’s iffy at the best of times too. I’m taking strong painkillers more frequently, mainly of an evening. I think I’ve only had 2 major flare ups in the past 6 months where I’ve not been able to get out of bed, which is brilliant (not that they happened but that they’re becoming less frequent). Though the general day to day pain has been pretty shit, not going to lie. I just feel like I’ve got 50lb weights attached to each limb at all times, and my joints cracking sounds like firecrackers at the most inappropriate of times too. Go to shake someone’s hand in a meeting and the elbow instantly lets of the loudest *CRACK!*so you just have a guy in a suit staring horrified at you as though his iron grip must have somehow broken your arm – I just like to make a first impression, that’s all.

All in all, I’m trying to hold it together. The usual difficult moments are crap but I’m getting through them. I’m treasuring the good times and replay them in my head like a little homemade movie while I can’t sleep on a night to keep my spirits up (did I mention the not sleeping, that’s a thing). It’s been a while since I just full on complained and moaned throughout a whole post so I do apologise for the negativity in here, but the venting has really made me feel that little bit better. Who knows, I might actually get back into writing and posting more (hopefully more useful and insightful things than this!).