The Ugly Truth

Don't get me wrong, I care. I really do. One of my priorities is putting people before myself. I want people to be okay and I'm always a shoulder to cry on, a consolidating hug or an ear to lend for anyone who needs it. But the ugly truth of having the misfortune of suffering any chronic illness is that when you're not coping, you change. You become blunt, you become selfish.  I don't often, or at least try not to, let people know what I'm actually feeling or thinking in the overwhelming times, but if anyone knew I'd be incredibly ashamed.

I realise I planned on not ranting or complaining online but I truly believe this is currently my best outlet to try feel better about situations. I apologise for the amount of negativity in this post but this is the truth. The thing about being chronically ill is you fall into this pattern of acceptance and anger. Most days I accept that I'm ill, and that I will be for the foreseeable future.  If I flare up or have a lot of pain, it's whatever. It will pass, I'm still alive and there's worse than what I'm going through out there. But occasionally that outlook takes a complete U - turn.

Sometimes out of nowhere, you just can't take it anymore. One more flare up, one more pill, one more hospital visit, it's just too much. And suddenly you're hysterically crying alone in your room thinking 'why'. Why can't my body work properly? Why doesn't my head think in the right way? Why can't I be a normal bloody young person whos biggest issues in life revolve around the choices I need to make about careers, relationships and growing up rather than medications, burnout and flare ups.  But that's life, eh? You win some, you lose some. And that’s not fair.

 

I know people will tell me ‘life isn’t fair’, but why does that mean I can’t be angry about it? Because yes, I am angry. I’m angry and upset and all these other negative emotions over something I can’t control. All these ‘glass half full’ chaps out there, trying to be helpful with your comments of ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you’re not going to die’ or whatever other positives there is to having lifelong illnesses, make me instantly turn into the person I vowed never to be. People who downplay my pain or haven’t exactly got their head around to how much it effects daily life makes me think ‘I really wish that I could make you severely hurt all over, take away your ability to get out of bed for days at a time, take away your nights out and time with friends and replace it with isolated suffering. Then come back and tell me it could be worse’. I understand that there’s worse out there, I don’t need telling that. But just because there’s worse out there doesn’t take away the pain and upset that I’m going feeling right now. I’m ALLOWED to be upset, I’m ALLOWED to not be okay with it, and I’m ALLOWED to want people to understand and be there for me. So if people who have no clue could just experience this for a week, maybe it would make my world a little easier. Because right now, I’m fed up of faking that I’m okay just for the benefit of others who don’t know how to deal with me when I’m sick. But that’s incredibly selfish to even consider, and once I’m back in the right mind-set or this flare up finally subsides, I’ll absolutely hate myself for ever thinking about passing this onto someone else.

 

You can’t be strong 100% of the time, and when you fall into a place where you feel weak and vulnerable, its incredibly difficult to deal with. A flare up on its own is tough, without the added mental trauma of ‘giving up’ because that’s when you start to feel alone, and start having stupid thoughts and unreasonable ideas. I’m not going to lie, I have gotten to the point of being so low that my mind wonders to ‘What is the actual point of living if you have to be in pain every single day of your life’ because that’s the ugly truth of it. You need the support around you and the correct mind-set so you don’t fall into those thoughts regularly, because its shit. It’s shit you have to live with this so you need things in life that make it worthwhile.

 

Thankfully the way I’m thinking right now won’t last. I know this is only short-lived because of how unkind my body has been to me lately. When I start to feel better, I’ll be back on my feet properly – physically and mentally. I’ll go back to being at peace with this and no doubt the cycle of acceptance and anger will surely start again. The only thing I need right now is to feel loved and cared for and as though there’s a reason I’m plodding on through life while I feel lowest of the low. I need that little bit of support until I can get myself back to feeling like myself.  Because right now, I’m not okay, and that’s okay.