My Name is Carys. I’m a 20 year old female living in the centre of the United Kingdom. I have a brother, two cats and several incurable illnesses ; All three are related, they’re just things that happen to be a part of my life. All present, all annoying, but all make up part of who I am.
I’ve become less angry as I’ve grown older, but more so in other areas. It’s tricky to describe really. In general, I have good days and I have down days – don’t we all. But I can separate mine into good mental days, good cognitive days and good body days; I think the mental days are the easiest to relate to. I’m in constant battle with myself. On one hand, I have the understanding that I’m sick, that’s how it is, there’s just some things I cannot do and I need to be kind to myself. ‘HEALTH COMES FIRST’ my managers, lectures and any other reasonable person in my life continue to tell me. On the other hand, my mind is dark. I envy those around me for what they can achieve and I cannot, I look at myself in disgust and often question my existence: ‘I can remember lyrics to the horrible song on the radio but cannot remember what you asked me two seconds ago’; ‘I can’t climb the flight of stairs in my home without wanting to cry in pain half way up’; ‘why would people even want to invite me along, I can barely go 5 feet without a break’.
I have fibromyalgia; I think that’s my main issue, maybe. Or maybe it’s a mixture of every new diagnosis a doctor will throw in my direction. I have an underactive thyroid, the wall of my bladder is breaking down, I have multiple mental illnesses which include extreme depression and anxiety. My immune system attacks its self and my body, that in its self means painful swelling (internally and externally) and a chance of my airways closing; the treatment for that however is to break down my immune system so I’m constantly sick, but hey, at least I’m not attacking myself. From the top of my head, I think that’s the bulk of it. Nothing you can see though. So what do you do when people disregard your invisible illness(es)? What do you do when they don’t believe you?
I live a normal life. Granted, my health feels worse the older I get, but that’s manageable. My mind isn’t what it was, my legs don’t work like they used to and my pain threshold has increased tenfold with being in all-over-body-pain 24/7…I take pills like they’re going out of fashion. But other than that, I’m normal as they come.
I have a job, barely. I study at university, barely. I maintain healthy relationships, barely. Barely because I manage, but I struggle. My performance at work is very dependent on how my body is feeling that day. I have to keep an above 80% attendance to stay at University, I just about manage (if I want to drug myself to the high heavens for early morning lectures) .Relationships though, they’re the biggy. I’ve grown to learn that the people in my life should be selected carefully. Some people just don’t understand, some people don’t have the patience you need and some…some are just arseholes. Most people know there’s something wrong with me, fewer know what’s actually wrong with me and even less actually bothered to understand what’s wrong with me. Those few that try to understand are my support system, they’re the ones that remind me to take it easy, that I’m not going insane and that ‘you’re not shit, that’s just a symptom flaring up’. But on reverse, I know that some of those people try hold back how they’re feeling or issues they’re having to try not offend me: ‘I want to say I’m tired but I can’t really say that to you, you’re exhausted ‘or ‘jeeze I’m in pain…but you go through this every day so I shouldn’t complain’. I hate that. I know they mean well, and I appreciate the kind thoughts. But what kind of friend am I if I can’t listen to how you’re feeling today. Please, complain at me: tell me you’re knackered, tell me you worked too hard at the gym yesterday and you need to rest. Before anything else, I am your friend. Trust me.
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